releasing expectations

My friend Ellie wrote this on her facebook page the other day: “release expectations”. I “liked” it, because I always find her status updates to be particularly thought-provoking. As it turns out, her post would come to fit my day exactly.

Yesterday, Kaan and I had a crossing of expectations. He expected that I would act the part of a Turkish housewife and serve food and drink to his visiting friend and him. I expected that he would understand how humiliating it feels to be told to bring tea from room to room. Maybe it’s just being unaccustomed to having to serve people and a general anxiety about houseguests, but I find the expectation to be carrying food and drink around—doing so because I am the woman in the house—rather outdated and sexist. Somehow, the two of us couldn’t communicate the personal significance of this particular act of hospitality and ended up having a very uncomfortable evening. He felt emasculated when I refused to bring the tea; I, in turn, felt angry and almost degraded when he asked me to without lifting a finger of his own. Definitely a superficial situation! However, with our incompatible expectations and lack of good communication, something as simple as making, carrying, and serving tea became a spot of contention in our relationship.

Not all expectations are bad, however. Some expectations can be motivating; for instance, the expectation that you will get all A’s one semester or find new friends in college can be a reason to work hard for your goal. On the flip side, negative expectations—like not making any friends—can hold you back from even trying. Many expectations relate to another’s actions; you might expect a co-worker to do his or her share of the work on a project, or expect that your family will give you a gift on your birthday. These are cultural or societal expectations, which I think are most often acceptable and fulfilling. Without communication, as in the example of the tea-serving above, even cultural expectations can be frustrating.

Other expectations can be harmless and surprising; most first time tourists in Turkey expect to find an Arab, Islamic society. After arriving here and seeing the diversity and truly unique culture, I imagine many of them are pleasantly surprised. What I find, however, is that most expectations end up with disappointing results. When I came to Turkey with AFS in 2006, one of the things that the volunteers stressed to us was to abandon our expectations and assumptions. Since I didn’t know squat about Turkey when I first came, I didn’t have many expectations about the country. What I did come to expect was a certain treatment by my host family, a certain lifestyle with them, and even certain standards in school. I was hoping to spend my time practicing my French and Russian, speaking French in school and Russian with the maid, even learning some Turkish with my friends and family. I expected a family which would spend time together, be active with AFS, and be intellectual, exploring the differences in our cultures and trying to grow. I was disappointed when those things didn’t happen. Expectations can really limit you; if you come into a new situation with rigid expectations like that, not only can you be disappointed, but you can also miss a chance to learn something new.

It’s not easy to walk into a situation without expectations. I think that humans naturally make assumptions and categorize what we see; that’s really all an expectation is. We see (or foresee) a situation which is similar to another situation, and we make assumptions about what that new situation will be like. But when daydreams and ponderances turn into situational expectations, I think we are opening ourselves up for disappointment. Unfortunately, it can be hard to tell when a daydream turns into an expectation, so I can’t offer any advice about that. I don’t think it’s harmful to daydream. What can be harmful is the process of building expectations; to this, my advice is that of Ellie’s…

Let go of your expectations! Being open to new experiences and adventures is what makes a good trip. It’s okay to be wrong in your daydreams; it’s a lot harder to repair damage caused by an under- or over-estimated expectation. Let life flow over you like currents in the bath tub (or lake/river/ocean, if you’re braver than me). Be a sponge; take in everything you see and figure out where it fits in your puzzle. But don’t limit yourself by expecting everything to be easy, beautiful, safe, or fun. Try to abandon your personal, self, cultural, and/or societal expectations and see things for what they are. That alone is a challenge, but I promise you will learn more by trying to be open than struggling to amend your expectations.


I hate to be corny or cliché, but this talk of expectations made me think of one of my favorite songs. The beauty of music, like any art, is that the observer can find his or her own message in it. Incubus’ ‘Earth to Bella Pt. 2’ inspires me to let go of my fears and expectations, allowing me to try and be spongier. Here is a short excerpt from that song:

“Earth to Bella, you’re treading water successfully
Are you really? Don’t you want to see the deep?
It’s not so hard, just forgive yourself and feel the water open”